It no longer serves you: survival strategies from childhood you weren’t even aware of
When you were a child, you probably learned some survival strategies to cope with the challenges and difficulties you faced. Maybe you had to deal with a strict parent, a scary teacher, a mean bully, or a traumatic event. Maybe you had to adapt to a stressful environment, a chaotic family, or a lack of resources. Whatever the case, you developed some ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving that helped you survive and protect yourself.
But what if those survival strategies are no longer serving you? What if they are actually making your life harder as an adult? What if they are contributing to your stress, pain, and illness?
In this blog post, we’ll explore some of the common survival strategies that we learn in childhood, and how they can affect us mentally and physically. We’ll also share some tips on how to become aware of them, and how to change them for the better. Let’s get started.
What is a survival strategy?
A survival strategy is a pattern of thoughts, emotions, and actions that we adopt in response to a perceived threat or danger. It’s a way of coping with stress, fear, or pain. It’s a way of trying to control, avoid, or escape from a situation that we feel is unsafe, uncomfortable, or unbearable.
Survival strategies are not inherently bad or wrong. They are natural and normal reactions to stress. They are adaptive and helpful in the short term. They can save our lives in extreme situations.
However, survival strategies can also become maladaptive and harmful in the long term. They can become automatic and unconscious habits that we repeat without questioning or examining. They can become rigid and inflexible ways of dealing with life that limit our choices and possibilities. They can become self-defeating and self-sabotaging behaviors that undermine our health and happiness.
What are some common survival strategies?
There are many different survival strategies that we can learn in childhood, depending on our personality, temperament, and circumstances. Here are some of the most common ones:
Perfectionism: This is the survival strategy of trying to be flawless, faultless, and error-free. It’s the belief that we have to do everything right, or else we will be rejected, criticized, or punished. It’s the fear of making mistakes, failing, or disappointing others. Perfectionists tend to set unrealistic and unattainable standards for themselves and others. They tend to be harsh, rigid, and self-critical. They tend to procrastinate, overwork, and burn out.
People-pleasing: This is the survival strategy of trying to please, appease, and accommodate others. It’s the belief that we have to be nice, agreeable, and helpful, or else we will be disliked, abandoned, or attacked. It’s the fear of conflict, confrontation, or rejection. People-pleasers tend to neglect their own needs, wants, and feelings. They tend to be passive, submissive, and compliant. They tend to avoid, deny, or suppress their anger, resentment, or frustration.
Rebellion: This is the survival strategy of trying to resist, oppose, and defy others. It’s the belief that we have to be independent, autonomous, and self-reliant, or else we will be controlled, manipulated, or exploited. It’s the fear of submission, conformity, or dependence. Rebels tend to reject authority, rules, and norms. They tend to be aggressive, defiant, and rebellious. They tend to provoke, challenge, or fight with others.
Withdrawal: This is the survival strategy of trying to isolate, detach, and disconnect from others. It’s the belief that we have to be alone, self-sufficient, and self-contained, or else we will be hurt, betrayed, or disappointed. It’s the fear of intimacy, vulnerability, or attachment. Withdrawers tend to avoid social interactions, relationships, and emotions. They tend to be aloof, distant, and indifferent. They tend to numb, distract, or escape from their feelings.
Compensation: This is the survival strategy of trying to compensate, overcompensate, or undercompensate for something that we feel is lacking, missing, or wrong with us. It’s the belief that we have to prove, justify, or validate our worth, value, or identity, or else we will be inadequate, inferior, or unworthy. It’s the fear of being exposed, judged, or shamed. Compensators tend to exaggerate, inflate, or deflate their abilities, achievements, or attributes. They tend to be competitive, insecure, and envious. They tend to compare, measure, or rank themselves with others.
Why don’t we notice them?
Survival strategies are hard to notice because they are often deeply ingrained, habitual, and unconscious. They are part of our identity, personality, and character. They are how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we cope with life. They are so familiar and comfortable that we don’t question or challenge them. They are so automatic and reflexive that we don’t notice or examine them.
Survival strategies are also hard to notice because they are often reinforced, rewarded, or praised by others. They are often seen as positive, desirable, or admirable traits. They are often associated with success, achievement, or recognition. They are often valued, appreciated, or respected by society. They are often mistaken for strengths, virtues, or talents.
Survival strategies are also hard to notice because they are often rationalized, justified, or explained away by ourselves. We often have reasons, excuses, or stories for why we think, feel, or act the way we do. We often have beliefs, assumptions, or expectations that support our survival strategies. We often have evidence, data, or facts that confirm our survival strategies. We often have goals, motives, or purposes that drive our survival strategies.
How do they affect us mentally and physically?
Survival strategies may help us survive in the short term, but they can harm us in the long term. They can affect us mentally and physically in many ways, such as:
Stress: Survival strategies can increase our stress levels, as they can make us feel constantly pressured, anxious, or threatened. They can activate our fight-or-flight response, which can raise our cortisol, adrenaline, and blood pressure. They can also impair our rest-and-digest response, which can lower our serotonin, melatonin, and immune system. Stress can lead to many health problems, such as insomnia, headaches, heart disease, and diabetes.
Pain: Survival strategies can increase our pain levels, as they can make us feel constantly tense, rigid, or inflamed. They can affect our posture, movement, and breathing, which can cause muscle spasms, joint stiffness, and nerve compression. They can also affect our perception, interpretation, and modulation of pain, which can make pain more intense, persistent, and distressing. Pain can interfere with our daily activities, mood, and quality of life.
Illness: Survival strategies can increase our risk of illness, as they can make us more susceptible to infections, allergies, and autoimmune diseases. They can affect our gut health, which can affect our digestion, absorption, and elimination of nutrients. They can also affect our brain health, which can affect our cognition, memory, and mood. Illness can impair our functioning, productivity, and happiness.
What can we do to become aware of them?
Becoming aware of our survival strategies is the first step to changing them for the better. Here are some ways to become more aware of them:
Reflect: Take some time to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Ask yourself some questions, such as: What are the situations that trigger my stress, fear, or pain? What are the thoughts that run through my mind when I face those situations? What are the feelings that arise in my body when I have those thoughts? What are the actions that I take or avoid when I feel those feelings? What are the consequences of those actions for myself and others? What are the patterns that I notice in my thoughts, feelings, and actions? What are the survival strategies that I use to cope with those situations?
Write: Write down your reflections on a journal, a notebook, or a computer. Writing can help you organize your thoughts, express your feelings, and gain new insights. Writing can also help you track your progress, challenges, and achievements. Writing can also help you release your emotions, clear your mind, and calm your body.
Share: Share your reflections with someone you trust, such as a friend, a family member, or a therapist. Sharing can help you get feedback, support, and guidance. Sharing can also help you feel less alone, more understood, and more connected. Sharing can also help you learn from others, inspire others, and help others.
Conclusion
Survival strategies are ways of coping with stress, fear, or pain that we learn in childhood. They can help us survive in the short term, but they can harm us in the long term. They can affect us mentally and physically, and make our lives harder as adults. Becoming aware of our survival strategies is the first step to changing them for the better. By reflecting, writing, and sharing, we can identify, understand, and transform our survival strategies. We can replace them with healthier, happier, and more effective ways of dealing with life. We can heal ourselves from stress, pain, and illness. We can live more fully, freely, and authentically.
